John Peel – gone but not forgotten – used to have a ‘festive fifty’, invariably populated by such dizzy luminaries as Half-Man Half-Biscuit and Splodgesnessabounds. Well, having walked into yet another shop playing that compilation of shocking christmas tunes (was it me or was 1971-75 the era of the christmas tune? Even Sailor had a christmas ditty…) I feel compelled to compile my unfestive (and anti-christmas) top five. A selection of songs that you may not have heard – spotify can be your friend here – but I have….and I appear to have been saving these up all my life for a cathartic rant. So here goes
1. Death may be your Santa Claus – Mott The Hoople (From ‘Brain Capers’)
Many of you will know (oh, the arrogance of assuming I have a readership – but please, bear with it) that I have a love of pre-Bowie Mott The Hoople that I affected in the first form at school as a way of appearing cooler that I actually was. Conversationally, this would give me the moral high ground over anyone extolling the virtues of “All The Young Dudes” or “Foxy Foxy” with the sharp put-down of “well it’s not “Darkness, Darkness is it?”, thus bestowing me with the aura of someone who knew his onions when it came to music. All I was really doing was raiding my next door neighbor’s record collection, which is how I come to be afflicted with an early affection for the Faces, Mott The Hoople, and Roxy Music. Glam-itus? Oh, and David Bowie, but that is another story.
Anyway, the track “Death may be your Santa Claus” is possibly the finest anti-christmas song title ever. Typically of Ian Hunter though, it is absolutely nothing to do with christmas…(but then “Wheel of the quivering Meat Conception” from the same album really doesn’t belie the title either…)
2. I won’t be home for Christmas – Blink-182
Leaving behind the outpourings of my early years, here I find myself in the naughties proper and hanging with the ‘Jackass’ generation. Now this is just a brilliantly normal anti-christmas song. A close run thing between that and “Happy Holidays, You Bastard”, but I think this wins out, if only for the line about Bubba unwrapping his package. Go discover….
3. Fu** Christmas – Fear
Gosh, I am displaying my west coast punk roots here. Or rather, I’ve been caught raiding my children’s record collections. Steady on, I’ll be seeing Black Flag stickers on Cadillacs, next. This is 40 seconds of nonsense and 6 seconds of a refrain that you can probably guess from the title. Delightful. One to slip on when the rellies are around – a bit similar to being a ’77 teen-subversive by slipping on “God Save The Queen” by the Pistols when the royalist grandparents are around for tea. Yes, ears were clipped. No, still unforgiven.
4. Christmas with the Devil – Spinal Tap
Ah – the genius of Spinal Tap. They seem to have gone out of their way to sound ‘off’ more than they usually do on this track, but I think that is the point – overuse of ’11’ is bad for the overall creativity inherent in a band. Cough. Now I may be wrong here, but I think they have lifted the Whitesnake riff “There ain’t no love in the heart of the city” which is admirable. It doesn’t sound particularly christmassy, but …ah – the genius of Spinal Tap. Wind like the break, Mr Burns, wind like the break.
5. Santa’s Gonna Kick Your Ass – Arrogant Worms
Well there had to be a canuck connection in any top five of mine, and an anti-christmas rant should be no exception. Which reminds me, a treatise of Canadian music for those unable to move past that dwarf Dion and the equally diminutive B. Adams should be forthcoming shortly as an entry in Astonished’s blog. The Arrogant Worms are like nothing we have in the UK, and that is a sad inditement of our post-Cowell music industry (a rant for another day I think. I’m not sure I have 5000 words left in me to express the vitriol I wish to cast at his antics). Humourous, witty and irreverent, they tackle the prospect of Santa having a drink problem and a bad attitude because his wife has run off with a chiropractor with alacrity and precision. And I like to think that there are one or two of us that can identify with that.
So – track them down (sorry) and enjoy. I’m going to return with renewed vigour to my CanuckRock (TM) mentioned earlier….
richardsandwell 