Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Well it was a strange road, and I wasn’t a) paying attention to my speed and b) had no clue what the limit should have been. So when I saw the WPC waving me in to the side of the road, I knew I was in for one of two things – 3 points and a 60 binners fine, or a good talking to.

I got the talking to. I nodded in all the right places, told the truth about my lack of attention to the speed limits, looked aghast at the new revelation that I’m likely to kill someone at 40 and only maim them at 30 (seriously, if I hit someone and they are IN THE ROAD, isn’t that darwinian?), shook my head like a pantomime villain when asked if I wanted three points on my license (do turkeys vote for christmas?) and then I glimpsed redemption in something she said and decided to play the obsequious buffoon card, which seemed to satisfy her, and she said I was free to go. Yes, she said I was free to go. Oh, come on – I hadn’t been arrested, I was always free to go.

So no raised insurance premiums, and no real damage other than to my psyche. I do so hate having to play the Uriah Heep role, but it is a given that if you pander to someone in alleged authority, you get a more favourable result than if you challenge them. Dale Carnegie had a whole chapter on it in his “How to win friends and influence people”…
Besides, I was in a hurry, which was obviously my undoing, so there is a bit of yin and yang going on there.
On the remainder of the journey, I started pondering how badly wrong things could have gone for me had I decided to go for wit over sensibility. So I have compiled my top six alternative opening lines that may well have led to an alternative outcome….viz, the fine, or possibly worse – and let me tell you, as someone who has recently watched Midnight Express again, I have no wish to do time.

1. Crumbs, you don’t look bad for a copper. What are you doing later?
2. Oh come on, what now? I’m in a ‘kin hurry…
3. I’ve just come from a burglary. Where were you?
4. Oh that hi-viz jerkin is sooo last year. And the hat…well, Daaahlink…
5. I’ve got a couple of lezzers next door, do you know them?
6. Nice ankles, love.