A long, long drive today – and to pass the time, I found myself concentrating on the song lyrics of whatever was on. This does pass the time quite nicely as the miles go by, and there is always the chance of some humour to be had in the form of the odd Mondegreen. However, today, there was more than that for me. That golden-throated seventies pierriot Leo Sayer’s ‘Moonlighting’ came on and I got to thinking…

This is a song about two young people running away to Gretna Green to get married. That much is quite easily understood by the time that you have listened to the song, complete with the daft vocal inflections he puts in (“My mother would have lost her mind”, for example) but it raised some interesting questions for me. There is mention of the van he has had resprayed, because he figures the disguise is worth it – “when they go missing they’re going to look for the van first”. Isn’t this just a little over the top for 1974? Does he expect police helicopters chasing him up the M6 to Gretna? Or did they indeed in days of old, have roadblocks to prevent the randy sassenach from marrying in their fine country?

If we assume then, that these two are between 16 and 18 – are they ‘moonlighting’ to get married or are they running away together to start a new life together in – er, Scotland? I’m confused and frustrated by what the song is telling me – “They’re losing everything, but it means they’ll stay toooo-gether” – are they actually coming home again as man and wife (Is it too cynical of me to say that they are indeed losing everything by marrying that young anyway?) – are they going to be shunned by everyone (“They’re losing all their friends”)? The deep dissatisfaction I have felt after listening to this song is that he does convey the minutae of doing a runner quite well (her bag is bursting at the seams) but never actually saying why they have to do it in the first place? Is she pregnant? I don’t recall it being that difficult in 1974 to shack up with your boyfriend aged 16+ if that is what you wanted to do?

Well, that much was enough to ignite my curiosity of Mr Sayer and his somewhat erratic songwriting abilities (after all , he wrote most of Roger Daltrey’s first solo album which wasn’t – er- that bad) so I thought I’d youtube the daft clown. Yep, I was right, he wore a clown’s outfit on TOTP in 1974 performing “I won’t let the show go on”. But it wasn’t all bad – surely, he is ripe for rehabilitation as a performer and artist, no? I mean, “When I need you” got me all gropy-teenager’d at the disco in the 70’s, and “Long Tall Glasses” was a bit of a bopper, no? Leo, come back into the fold. Sit down, and tell us all about that nasty Adam Faith who made you do all those idiotic things in the name of fame. Leo – do we need a comeback album?

Then, just as I was warming to the idea…..I saw this:

I’ve always been an advocate of ‘one good bellylaugh a day’ being the best medicine you can wish for, and here, I appear to have stumbled on a week’s supply. The very idea that Linda Ronstadt would appear on his TV show in the first place is quite amusing, and then to sing the first line of her version of Tumbling Dice – “People tryin’ to rape me” is quite courageous in the context of the less-than-PC 1970’s [1], but look at the way she looks at him! She can’t quite believe that she has come all this way, leaving behind her buddies in LA (this is a woman who can boast the Eagles as her backing band at one point in her career) to find herself on some third rate TV show with someone she has clearly never heard of. She looks like she has been joined on stage by the class idiot on speed who now wants to Dad-dance [2] with the best looking woman in the room, whilst forgetting that he is choreographically challenged, not to mention six inches shorter than her and has two left feet into the bargain. Clearly, he doesn’t make her feel like dancing and frankly who can blame her? Watch the whole clip; it is the dancing that is the utter cringer. He kisses her hand….

Leo mate, I know we can forgive some things from the 70’s but that was wrong on too many levels. Hunt down Terry Jacks and David Dundas and, I don’t know – do an album or something.

[1] And Linda, while we’re at it, what on earth possessed you to try to out-misogynise Mr Jagger and Mr Richards by changing the first line to “People tryin’ to rape me, always think I’m crazy”? What on earth was wrong with singing the original ? Rape, fer chrissakes? Were you throwing a stalker party or something?
[2] Did someone tell him to dance to the beat of a “Different Drum”, perhaps. Thank you….here all week, laydeesangennelmen, here all week.