Archives for category: Humour

If there is one defining song that marks my very late teens, it is Love will tear us apart.  If I hear it on the radio, it transports me back to the spring of 1980, when the world was ripe with possibility and music was the urging of me.

Everyone seems to want to cover it, as if it imbues you with some grave-robbing chic or supposed coolness, so beloved of anyone who currently nods towards Nick Drake.  None of you nod at John Martyn, do you?  This bloody song – everyone seems to want to chip away at my enduring memory of it, to replace Ian’s version with theirs.  “Look at this” they say “this is a great version of this song”.  I’ve lost count of the attempts, but I’ve listed some of the extremes that youtube has to offer below.  Even the subtle remixing of it on “Closer” riles and irritates me, and makes me question my own audio ability.

I think that if you are going to cover the song, you should take something of it, and work forward from there.  You’re never going to capture the animalistic thrash of the 12 string in the intro, and I defy you to find that synth sound on your garageband setup – you need a proper Yamaha SK10.  No, if you want to cover this song.  you need to begin with it’s USP – the emotion expressed in the lyric – and take it from there.  We’ll come back to the only version that I hold as dear to me as I do the original at the end of this.  For now, let’s have an amusing walk through the villainy – those that would try and fail publicly.  You have to admire their bravery.

Paul Young

I think Paul was the first out of the traps to cover this, and establish himself as Mr no-original-material of the 80’s (have a look at the writing credits on ‘No Parlez’…).  It is at least a different interpretation of the song, and I grudgingly admit that he manages to convey emotion in it.  What you might call a valiant attempt.   I have to say that calling your backing singers the “Fabulous Wealthy Tarts” is always going to affect the way you view the subject matter of the song.

6/10 – taking different roads…

Mark Owen

Oh <insert deity of choice here> – this is utter trite shite.

I have ALWAYS hated the sound of the Ovation Balladeer guitar  I have always hated Take That.  I’ve never understood his mis-pronounced r’s and the only time I’ve ever had a sneaking admiration for him was seeing him with a dustbin in the front seat of his merc, driving home from a DIY store.  Can’t he find better things to do with his time – this is as appropriate as polar bear at a penguin convention…

1/10 Resentment riding quite high indeed

http://youtu.be/khKH7whwqzY

10,000 Maniacs

Natalie is never averse to a spot of cover stuff, and I have been bowled over, in a bad way of course,  at how similar to Steve Harley’s ‘Come up and see me’ she manages to make this sound.  Yes Natalie, your timing IS that flawed.

4/10 – ambitions are low

Nouvelle Vague

It’s a nice frock and suits her, but my daughter could come up with a more interesting arrangement than this.

3/10 – bedroom quite cold….

New Order

You’d think they’d know better, wouldn’t you. No, this is a pedestrian slog through the song that you just wouldn’t expect from the makers of “The Perfect Kiss”,  it shows the difference between the two groups vocal affectations though. Ian could sing this song, and that is an end to it.

4/10 – Failings exposed.

The Cure

I had high hopes of this – Robert Smith should really have ‘got it’.  Instead, it sounds like a song played as if he is going through the motions. A shame – strip it bare and play it in the manner of ‘Killing an Arab’ and it might have worked – but we’ll never know..

2/10 – Desperation taking hold

Simple Minds

I said that you have to take a flavour of the song and run with it, didn’t I?  I want to hate this so much but my feet just get persuaded by what sounds like a John Digweed/Sasha type remix. But Simple Minds? Surely not – this sounds nothing like the band I knew and variously loved and hated through the 80’s.   I score this highly, because there is nothing recognisable about the music other than the chord progression, and that I think perhaps this has some merit as a dance track.  The problem there is, that if you remember the original, this is an abomination, but to the children of the 90’s, this isn’t that bad.  Someone has written in the comments that they should be tried in the Hague for crimes against art. If it polarises you to that extent, it must have some merit?

7/10 – Taking different roads.

Dave Gahan

You did read that correctly.  I’d love to have a soundboard copy of this, because it is exactly what you wouldn’t expect from Basildon’s premier Barstable Baritone.  Dave takes the song and makes it his own – even though this is a live rendition.  I think it benefits from not being over-thought, too.

8/10 – There’s still this appeal

Susanna and the Magic Orchestra

Sublime.  This is deconstructed to the point where you are forced to listen to the words, and the nuances and meanings behind them are bought into a sharp focus.  The spartan musical backdrop adds an ethereal quality to the song – it no longer relies on the adrenaline reaction of the original; this song requires that you engage with it on a cerebral level.  If this song were a work of art, it would be behind alarmed glass doors in the Louvre.

10/10 Love of this version tears me apart.

The Final Countdown.

I know, I could be considered xenophobic for this – after all, this was written by a Swede, and so I should forgive it and walk away from the temptation to rubbish someone’s efforts that aren’t in our mother tongue.  But, no – Benny and Bjorn wrote sensible and well constructed English lyrics,  Roxette did the same (um….bites lip) and of course, who can forget the classic lyrical gymnastics of the Cardigans (“I need some fine wine, and you, you need to be nicer” is utterly brilliant, in my opinion).   The Final Countdown, then,  has been knocked and laughed at for so many years, it is almost the “Hi Ho Silver Lining” of cheesy 80’s hair rock – played at the end of the evening by way of lampoonery.  Although, thinking about it, interchangeable with any Bon Jovi or Whitesnake track you can care to mention.  Poodle-rockers, I salute you all – you have donated a wealth of lyrics to take the piss out of.   Mr Coverdale? Back of the queue, sir, you’ll have your own article in due course.

The music – I have no problem with, it is the benchmark for formulaic 80’s rock that is defined as Hair Rock.  Poodle rock sounds better to me though.  To the lyric then.  I can’t be bothered to type out the refrain (some would call it the chorus, but no, it is a refrain , no more) but here is the second verse, I think.

We’re heading for Venus.  

Why? Lads, it has a surface temperature of 460c, an atmospheric pressure 80 times that of earth, an atmosphere of  dubious gases, and clouds. Lots of them. Are you stupid?

And still we stand tall

Which way is ‘up’ in space, exactly?

Because maybe they’ve seen us, and welcome us all. Yeah.  

So, they are looking at us? Who? Venusians? Small rodents called Gerald?

With so many light years to go

Here’s the thing, Joey.  I think Venus is something like 25 million miles away from us, and in terms of light years, it is about, give or take a bit – 3 minutes away. That is an epic fail in terms of your astrophysical calculations, right there.

And things to be found  

You’re not really getting the nature of space, are you? Empty as fsck, it is…

I’m sure that we’ll all miss her so  

Who? You’ve just introduced a random female into the song.  Good grief….

It’s the final countdown.  

This begs the question what you all sang about in the penultimate countdown, doesn’t it?.

I think I rest my case.  If you want space rock, try Brock and Calvert – they’ve been (lyrically) doing it better for years.

That is quite evocative of that famous Reader’s Digest feature, no? I confess to being quite sad at the passing of the UK edition of the Reader’s Digest – I learnt a lot from the late 60’s and early 70’s issues. I recall surprising my mum with my detailed knowledge of the pineal gland after reading “I am John’s Kidney”. A shame – nevermore, the letters from Tom Champagne (made up name? I think so – Harry Merlot and Dick Shiraz aren’t quite in the same league are they?) telling me I’ve won a boxed set of James Last LPs. I shall mourn their decline with a thunderbird wine, as the bard of Upminster once said.

What makes me laugh? Well you have seen the Leo Sayer and Linda Ronstadt clip in a recent blog so I’ll leave that out. In no particular order, other than they occured to me that way, here is my top 10 ‘things’ that make me laugh. Although, having just done a crafty edit and run through of this, I think on balance the order is about right – but of course the value of your investments may go up or down. Or was it your mileage may vary? Indeed, should all men have a tag on their neck saying caution, may contain nuts? Thenkyew, here all week laydeesangennelmen, he’s here all week.

1. The Anaconda Ball Pool. This is just straightforward idiocy from the lads at Jackass. I’m not sure which bit I like best, the end, or the slapstick kicking at the start. Don’t try this at home, and if you have kids, well….the ball pit will never be quite the same for you….if you liked this, may I recommend the “Bee Limousine”, and for pure stupidity, the Penny Farthing BMX. Or buy Jackass 2 the movie – available from all good retailers. Pick up some tena-lady while you are there….


2. Bill Hicks – The Marketing Rant. This was a close run thing between oh, EVERYTHING the master did, and this one. This has a message that I feel I can relate to. How it is that I’ve never found anything Bill Hicks says or rants about remotely disagreeable, I’ll never know. It is quite possibly the only time I’ve agreed with an American on everything. Taken too soon, he was, taken too soon…


3. From failblog – The Error Message. ‘Nuff said. I laughed until I stopped….

4. Sid James’ laugh. Not a ‘naturally’ funny man by his own admission, he did have the epitome of the dirty cackle to carry him through.


5. The Goon Show. When I was younger, I’d sit glued to the radio when Radio 4 (or was that the Home Service….eek, does that age me?) used to re-run the Goons and I used to find it hilarious. Milligan and Sellers were in a class of their own. My favourite anecdote is of Sellers turning up at Milligan’s doorstep stark naked at midnight, and saying “I say, Spike, do you know a good tailor?” when Milligan answered the door…


6. No child born in the sixties could escape the influence of Monty Python and I am no exception. Here is one of the paths less travelled. Really, everyone knows (and can recite good chunks of) the Parrot Sketch so I’ve chosen this :

Why Marcel Proust is featured in so many comedy skits is beyond me, or perdu les temps. Cough. I blame Kenny Everett.

7. Steven Wright. This clip by the unique Steven Wright (not to be confused by the english idiot radio DJ) shows his technique of extreme deadpanning.


8. Dennis Leary – I never really thought DL was funny per se – “No cure for cancer was just a load of recycled Bill Hicks rants, but he did a set of trailer rants for MTV which I liked at the time, and still make me laugh.

I’m a particular fan of the tirade against Michael Stipe….

9. Rob Wells, aka Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys. I spent ages trying to find a single clip of the Trailer Park Boys that typified the whole series, and this one just about does it. I fell in love with this show in Canada years ago (hell, I even have a TPB T-shirt, which is a bit, er fan-boy of me) and I’ve followed their exploits ever since. This clip comes second to one that I was looking for but couldn’t find – if you find Ricky baked out of his head on animal tranquilisers shooting at “fuckin’ purple squirrels”, well, you’ll have hit paydirt. If you haven’t seen the adventures of Ricky, Bubbles and Julian, then you have missed out. Frankly, I have never understood why Canadian comedy is always overlooked by the UK terrestrial channels.

10. This is Paul Merton at his best. I know ‘LOL’ is a bit of a passe thing as it has become the riposte of choice at the end of a text message, but I did when I first watched this. In fact, I very nearly PMSL, and was in extreme danger of ROFLOL. Watch and I defy you not to smile. It is a joy to watch him warm to the theme and take it to ever more ludicrous levels….

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Well it was a strange road, and I wasn’t a) paying attention to my speed and b) had no clue what the limit should have been. So when I saw the WPC waving me in to the side of the road, I knew I was in for one of two things – 3 points and a 60 binners fine, or a good talking to.

I got the talking to. I nodded in all the right places, told the truth about my lack of attention to the speed limits, looked aghast at the new revelation that I’m likely to kill someone at 40 and only maim them at 30 (seriously, if I hit someone and they are IN THE ROAD, isn’t that darwinian?), shook my head like a pantomime villain when asked if I wanted three points on my license (do turkeys vote for christmas?) and then I glimpsed redemption in something she said and decided to play the obsequious buffoon card, which seemed to satisfy her, and she said I was free to go. Yes, she said I was free to go. Oh, come on – I hadn’t been arrested, I was always free to go.

So no raised insurance premiums, and no real damage other than to my psyche. I do so hate having to play the Uriah Heep role, but it is a given that if you pander to someone in alleged authority, you get a more favourable result than if you challenge them. Dale Carnegie had a whole chapter on it in his “How to win friends and influence people”…
Besides, I was in a hurry, which was obviously my undoing, so there is a bit of yin and yang going on there.
On the remainder of the journey, I started pondering how badly wrong things could have gone for me had I decided to go for wit over sensibility. So I have compiled my top six alternative opening lines that may well have led to an alternative outcome….viz, the fine, or possibly worse – and let me tell you, as someone who has recently watched Midnight Express again, I have no wish to do time.

1. Crumbs, you don’t look bad for a copper. What are you doing later?
2. Oh come on, what now? I’m in a ‘kin hurry…
3. I’ve just come from a burglary. Where were you?
4. Oh that hi-viz jerkin is sooo last year. And the hat…well, Daaahlink…
5. I’ve got a couple of lezzers next door, do you know them?
6. Nice ankles, love.

My favourite picture of last year. I know it isn’t a term widely used over here, but most us know what a Diaper in America is?


I wonder if this is the start of a new line in meat products?

Pamper’s Pork?
Dr Whites’ Duck?
Huggy’s Pull-up Lamb?

Anyway, I laughed until I stopped. And now I am sharing it with you. Wave at the van if you see it out and about in East Anglia.
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