Firstly, we shall assume that you can write and understand the basics of grammar and structure – after all, you will be writing for people who are capable of purchasing expensive hi-fi kit.  In short,  your target audience is AB, and their disposable income is vast – they can spell and they are going to be the kind of people who can spot the greengrocer’s apostrophe at 50 yards.

Secondly, you will need to be able to use a thesaurus, and be willing to seek out fresh ways of expressing the abstract in a subjective manner.  It is useful to have a nose for the under-used superlative, too as we shall see.

Thirdly, you will need to be able to cope with the eternal pressing of the hi-fi sales reps who will be lunching you on a daily basis.

Happy with all that? Let us begin with an example.

Rep #1 has just had delivered a pair of speakers to you via a courier.  There are some notes with it, which you read.  The specs don’t actually mean a great deal to you – and with no degree in electronics, why should they, but the key ones to pick out here are the frequency response, the power handling in watts and the impedance.  These three numbers will help pad out the article when you are stuck for those final inches of the article – equally, when the editor tells you to trim it as Linn have decided to take out a half-pager this month, these can be useful things to cut out.

So, the best trick is to write the article first and do the listening afterwards.  Start with a bit of historical background about the company – feel free to crib from wikipedia, this is a proven educational source in schools these days – and egg the pudding with a little pathos; struggling UK company, journeyman products for years (as a top gear fan, imagine Clarkson doing his opening description of of a new Lotus, for example)  and so on.

Next, describe the finish of the speakers. You have to look at them – try taking them out of the box first – and determine the wood veneer.  Of course, the veneer doesn’t mean jackshit, but there is always the possibility that a purchasing decision may be made on colour.  Describe the connectivity (look up bi-wiring – if there are 4 speaker connections, then Bi-wiring is a possibility) and what the connection posts are made of.

Imagine them in your room, and then construct some phrases around ‘situational’ and save them for the article.

Throw on a suitably obscure CD or album by as obscure yet soon-to-be mainstream cool artist, or delve into the annals for an equally obscure album that everyone has sort-of heard of and then find a track you particularly dislike and use that as a basis for the listening test.  Don’t connect the new speakers to your hi-fi – remember the object of this exercise is to bash off copy with very little effort.

If in doubt, drag out early John Martyn (London Conversations) or the Incredible String Band (the hangman’s lovely daughter). Close your eyes, and then pick on a passage that you can use to describe the speakers with.  The “Milky Darkness of the bass notes soar through the ether like a bird released” for example.  Yes? Grab your thesaurus and track down some underused superlatives, and construct meaningless and subjective phrases like that.  “Trebles that sound like an echo from an angels wing” is probably pushing it, but a comment about one particular member of the ensemble’s playing should form part of your retinue. Pick out a passage that you know to have been played by that person (remember to consult the sleeve notes, there are lots of people who will point out your error) and point out hitherto unheard tremelo or paradiddles (qv the Oxford dictionary of music – always a plus).  Use words like precision, and timing – nothing that can be quantified by scientific scrutiny.  “The scuff of his fingers against the round wounds strings becomes evident”.

It is that easy.  Imagine yourself as loquacious as Stephen Fry, and you are home free.  Write the copy, end with a strong positive along the lines of “these absolutely must be on your list to have demonstrated”.  Feel free to split infinitives as this often gives emphasis to an otherwise cliched phrase, and remember, there is a lot more lunch where that came from.