The Final Countdown.

I know, I could be considered xenophobic for this – after all, this was written by a Swede, and so I should forgive it and walk away from the temptation to rubbish someone’s efforts that aren’t in our mother tongue.  But, no – Benny and Bjorn wrote sensible and well constructed English lyrics,  Roxette did the same (um….bites lip) and of course, who can forget the classic lyrical gymnastics of the Cardigans (“I need some fine wine, and you, you need to be nicer” is utterly brilliant, in my opinion).   The Final Countdown, then,  has been knocked and laughed at for so many years, it is almost the “Hi Ho Silver Lining” of cheesy 80’s hair rock – played at the end of the evening by way of lampoonery.  Although, thinking about it, interchangeable with any Bon Jovi or Whitesnake track you can care to mention.  Poodle-rockers, I salute you all – you have donated a wealth of lyrics to take the piss out of.   Mr Coverdale? Back of the queue, sir, you’ll have your own article in due course.

The music – I have no problem with, it is the benchmark for formulaic 80’s rock that is defined as Hair Rock.  Poodle rock sounds better to me though.  To the lyric then.  I can’t be bothered to type out the refrain (some would call it the chorus, but no, it is a refrain , no more) but here is the second verse, I think.

We’re heading for Venus.  

Why? Lads, it has a surface temperature of 460c, an atmospheric pressure 80 times that of earth, an atmosphere of  dubious gases, and clouds. Lots of them. Are you stupid?

And still we stand tall

Which way is ‘up’ in space, exactly?

Because maybe they’ve seen us, and welcome us all. Yeah.  

So, they are looking at us? Who? Venusians? Small rodents called Gerald?

With so many light years to go

Here’s the thing, Joey.  I think Venus is something like 25 million miles away from us, and in terms of light years, it is about, give or take a bit – 3 minutes away. That is an epic fail in terms of your astrophysical calculations, right there.

And things to be found  

You’re not really getting the nature of space, are you? Empty as fsck, it is…

I’m sure that we’ll all miss her so  

Who? You’ve just introduced a random female into the song.  Good grief….

It’s the final countdown.  

This begs the question what you all sang about in the penultimate countdown, doesn’t it?.

I think I rest my case.  If you want space rock, try Brock and Calvert – they’ve been (lyrically) doing it better for years.